Today is Miss Pickles’ birthday! And it’s also my Mommyversary!
Miss Pickles, I remember the first time I felt like a Mom. You weren’t born yet, and my doctor and I were having the “what if this happens, and what do you want me to do about it” conversation…
For those who don’t know our story, I had a very difficult pregnancy, delivered prematurely, and spent my first month as a Mom visiting Miss Pickles in the NICU. But I digress…
We were about 20 or so weeks along, and at this point I had been on bed rest for about 4 weeks. At one of my visits, after the ultrasound was done, Daddy, the doctor and I had the conversation…
The one where she told us about the risks involved with premature delivery at 20 weeks, what your chances of survival were at that point and so on… yeah, THAT conversation. Which led her to ask the question…
“When we deliver, if there are complications, and only one of you (between me and you) could be saved, what do you want me to do?”
Me: “Save her. Do all that you can for her. Don’t worry about me.”
Those words tumbled out of my mouth without contemplation or hesitation.
When I had time to process it, I realized that I was saying that if we were dying, that I should be the one to die and you should be the one to be saved.
Did I want to die? Hell no! I wanted to live to see you grow up and all of that. But given the choice, this was mine. I told the doctor that even if you would only live for a few moments, that those few moments were worth my entire life. We put it in my chart, so that in the event, Daddy and everyone would understand why I had made that choice, and somehow come to make peace with it.
All at once, I understood what motherhood truly is… Giving. Loving. Sacrificing. I felt it deep down in a very primitive part of myself. It is a role I have relished, and the best part of who I am.
And so here we sit at the 10th anniversary of us, and I’m so amazed by you. I look at you sometimes and say to myself “I grew that!” You’re everything I couldn’t have even imagined, and I continue to strive to be worthy of you.
Happy Birthday, sweetheart!!